maybe we should judge

are we more or less than the sum of our parts?

Why is it hard for us to label a person bad? Scared to appear self-righteous at the expense of others, despite how deserving of the title they might be. We attempt to absolve the morally bankrupt from their actions, hunting for shortcomings as justification. From bullies to abusive husbands to mean girls, we come face to face with the truth and walk past it; some people are just genuinely horrible, and we should not shy away from verbalising it. I have noticed people try to compartmentalize a person's actions, going through mental gymnastics to avoid the truth. Deeming it unfair to judge a person as a mosaic of all their parts when some pieces are decent. "He’s a good father but not a good husband.” I refuse to believe that the two are not mutually exclusive. You can not fulfill one role while severely deficient in the other. We dig up a sea of reasons why a bully bullies, ”they are insecure,” we say. While that too could be true, what’s even truer is their skewed moral compass. "They are seeking validation from sexual partners to overcompensate for an insecurity," I've heard people say on the subject of chronic cheaters. As if a person can not simply be selfish and self-serving. We look for solace in reason

"They were young", "they didn’t have a proper father figure," when people who overcame the same obstacles are evidence that it's possible to grow. There are plenty of high school students who were equally, if not more, insecure, yet did not project their insecurities by being a bully. Plenty of men who lacked positive father figures and became the very thing they lacked. Plenty of mothers who had a rough childhood yet gave their children the best childhood they could offer. Two things can be true at once: you can endure hardships and also become a bad person.

We should stop questioning why certain people are the way they are. A bad mother is a bad mother. An abusive husband is abusive. An ex who treated you horribly did so because they are simply a bad person, not because of some deeper, understandable reason. I understand that some questions are rhetorical, or perhaps part of the grieving process. For the latter, I hope the realisation that you were undeserving of such treatment can bring some solace. Some people are bad, and no amount of "hurt people hurt people" can rationalize that. I despise that phrase, it always seems justificatory in any context. Often used to water down some people's vile tendencies. Why should it ever be socially rationalisable to bleed on the innocent? To make fresh victims, mirroring your own scars. 

I was talking to a friend the other day, and while I don’t recall the subject of the conversation, I remember saying “ I do not mean to judge” when he cut me off and said "judge my sister”.

 As hilarious as I may find it, it is somewhat valid. It is okay to judge sometimes. To sum up all you know of a person and tag them bad, evil, if it’s befitting. Some people believe human beings can not be inherently good or bad, that we're a mixture of both. The proportions differ individually. "More than the sum of our parts." Others believe that human beings are inherently good or evil exclusively.

I believe I'm somewhere in the middle. As much as I believe in the power of humanity, I will not turn a blind eye to the atrocities that we put each other through. I think a person is who they believe and, more importantly, act on. There’s a verse in the bible that says As a man thinketh, so is he. Most interpretations of this quote take it at face value and also chronologically. The thinking comes first, then the becoming. What a person believes, they then become, but during a bible study, I got a different interpretation. The becoming mirrors the thinking, not the other way around. Thinking I’m kind doesn’t make me kind; however, actively working on my kindness does. It also fills my mind with kind thoughts of others and of myself. The reverse is also true. I can not say cruel things, yet my mind is filled with kindness. This doesn't just apply to character, it applies to everything.

The things that predominantly occupy your mind are what make you. A person who often says unkind things often has similar unkind thoughts. A marathon runner predominantly thinks about their training, nutrition and all things adjacent.  If you’re a poet, a chunk of your thoughts are poetry-related, from rhymes to seeking how to artistically articulate your feelings and the world around you. So in that regard, we are the things that often preoccupy our minds. You can not be a confident person when the majority of your thoughts are self-deprecating.

As a Christian, I find it very interesting when fellow Christians (or any religious individuals) are criticised for their habits that do not really align with the religion. Instead of taking that criticism and scrutinizing its validity— if administered kindly—they deflect and say only God can judge. I cannot speak for other religions as I am not familiar with their scriptures, but in Christianity, the verse that most Christians are referring to is actually contrary. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you”. It's not the judgment that's prohibited, but doing so is a way you wouldn't willingly subject yourself to.

So in that regard, I will continue to judge, and I'm aware that I am also subject to others' judgment, and if there are unkind branches on me, they must be pruned. I do not find being a decent person an impossible task. You cannot be an inconsiderate prick, a consistently unfaithful partner, abusive, or worse, and try to shame people for shaming you or labelling you as a bad person.

As I've gotten older, my mother sees me more as an adult whose opinion she finds valuable, as she sometimes seeks out. There’s a conversation that I repeatedly have with her. When people behave in a way that is INTENTIONALLY unkind or inconsiderate, and they think that they have bamboozled you, be sure to express it. Be sure to let them know that you know what they did, what your perception of them is, even though there will be no resolution. We often have a skewed perception of ourselves, so a reality check is sometimes beneficial.

I have an uncle who offered to assist my mother in selling her car. After months of looking for a buyer, he finally found one. When everything was settled and the money had been paid, he could not provide the receipt or the contact of the buyer. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that he had sold the car dishonestly and perhaps pocketed some of the money. When my mother was kindly requested for more details, he would get defensive and accuse her of accusing him. When my mom was telling me the story, I remember telling her that I felt she should’ve said something to make it known that she knew that he had acted dishonestly, that he was a dishonest person. He would have obviously denied it and run off to tell other relatives of the accusations, but on the other hand, I feel this could maybe trigger change. When they’re lying down at night, and they might replay their day and the words, could echo and persecute them into repentance.

Some people are bad, and they will intentionally hurt others or constantly seek self-fulfillment at the expense of others. We shouldn’t shy away from this unfortunate truth. We must reclaim judgment and shun the cruel.

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